How to Stop People-Pleasing and Be Kind Without Burning Out

A cautious king looks unsure about dishes called 'Trust,' 'Authentic Connection,' Curiosity,' 'Perspective Taking,' and 'Empathy' at a royal dinner. It shows how hard it can be to accept the invisible things that really matter in relationships.

What if we’re mistaking “nice” for kind?

That’s not an actual question—we are definitely doing this.

If you looked back through all of your interactions over the past week and can't identify a single moment when you didn’t tiptoe over proverbial eggshells, you're either part of the problem... or part of the solution (depending on your level of reality-based self-awareness)!

Overprotective defense mechanisms—giving the messenger of fear too much reign over our brain nation—is my suspected culprit.

In my work with people across ages and demographics over the years, our presence and connection in in-person relationships has gotten a little funky. And not in a James Brown kind of way, but in a “You may not think you smell, but you smell” kind of way.

Fear of rejection often disguises itself as politeness. The result social-behavior default is to behave surface-level “nice” instead of leaning into the vulnerability of real kindness.

What’s the difference between nice and kind? I’m glad you asked!

Nice is when you say or do things to protect yourself from any perceived discomfort that might come from confrontation or conflict. It looks like you're helping the other person, but really, it's helping yourself not feel vulnerable to attack or unknown threats of another persons response that you don't have control of.

Sometimes we choose niceness—people-pleasing—to appease the situation. But overcompensating with “nice” in relationships is like constantly sweeping dirt under the rug. For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction, and that dirt tends to breed a lot more grime over time when it’s not just met head-on.

Nice is like recycling plastic. It sounds good in theory, but in reality, it’s a %&$#&# disaster.

Kindness is hard in the moment, but it's a gorgeous, proactive powerhouse of an action.

Kindness is doing what may hurt in the short term but leads to better long-term outcomes. When we are kind, it bonds relationships—allowing for authentic connection, curiosity, empathy, and perspective taking—which fosters psychological safety.

Kindness is reading into a situation and behaving in a way that considers short-term and long-term best possible-outcomes. There are still risks of failure and the benefits outweigh the cons. Kindness requires complex reasoning, empathy, and is a proactive response. Proactive responses naturally take more time, energy, and vulnerability.

So how do we stop playing “nice” with people-pleasing and be kind without burning out?Jon Kabat-Zinn offers four things to consider when practicing kindness:

1. Is what I have to say true?

2. Is what I have to say necessary—am I adding to or subtracting from the interaction?

3. Is now the right time? Maybe it is best to say it, but time and place matter.

4. Can I say it with kindness? That is, I don’t have to deliver the information cruelly. I can consider my demeanor and intention so it lands in the best possible way—for both short-term clarity and long-term impact.

   
   

So let’s consider: where do we each fall on the nice/kind spectrum?

Aiming for constant kindness is a gold standard, but reality check—we are shaped by our environments. Being the “kind” person in the room can feel like you’re the blunt jerk sticking out like a sore thumb (even with those four steps) that no one wants to be around. You can't stop peoples perceptions of your behaviors (which is why so many of us lean into people pleasing in the first place).

Being kind, even with the best intentions, doesn’t mean it’s easy. And it doesn’t mean everyone you’re kind to will perceive that interaction as if you’re handing them a bouquet of their favorite flowers. Some will look at you like you handed them a bag of dog poop on fire.

Anyone who rocks the boat of social norms doesn’t get off without a little seasickness. No wonder doing the healthier thing can feel so confusing and difficult!

We have to ask ourselves: what do we want in our own connection?

When you enter a room with others, does it feel like you’re walking into a staged home for sale, decorated by a realtor? Or does it feel like it’s full of real life? Are you part of that life—or part of the set decor?

Everything looks fine—but under the surface?

Fear. Apathy. Disconnection.

We’re left with interactions that check boxes, that please and appease our fear, but lack real presence.

Technology adds a layer of distance, making it easier to avoid vulnerability. But here’s the twist: We’re not vulnerable in the ways we think.

We are most vulnerable to overprotecting ourselves in the name of survival—at the expense of thriving.

And the paradox?

We NEED meaningful connection. Not as a luxury, but as a fundamental part of surviving and thriving.

Yet we hesitate.We hold back.We question if it’s safe to connect—when connection is exactly what we need most.

It’s like denying ourselves nourishment because we’re afraid the food is poisoned.

Trust yourself. You’ll know a poisonous interaction if it ever truly shows up.Trust yourself to lean into more kind interactions—they’re hard, AND they’re needed. Put the gate down. Let people in. You’ll live better, and it’ll have a healthier impact on the world around you, too.

How do you see this showing up in your environment—teams, friendships, leadership?

Get vulnerable. Let’s talk about it.

Images generated by ChatGPT AI with original concepts and direction by Kelly Berthold. MindCast All rights reserved.